To motivate staff get them sending cards

There are cards for every occasion

Cards at Christmas, birthdays each year

“Quick recovery from your operation!”

 

Say “Sorry you’re sick” to sickly staff

“Good Luck with your exams!”

“We’re sorry that you’re leaving us”

One less car in the traffic jams

 

“It’s here! – your monthly menstruation!”

“Sorry I swore at you, pet”

“Unlucky! – you failed to lose any weight”

“One hour without a cigarette!”

 

“We’re sorry you’re drinking more than before”

“Commiserations on a hum drum life”

“You deserve to have a lovely lunch today!”

“Sorry I fucked your wife”

 

With sympathy “for losing the perfect man”

“Have a Happy Hysterectomy!”

“Hooray! You’ve stayed here almost three months!”

“Thanks for swatting that bee!”

 

“Congratulations, you’ve hit the menopause!”

“So sorry your pen’s run out”

“You’ve made it to 40! And you’re still on your own”

“You’re no longer fat! – just stout”

 

“You made it to work by Nine today!”

“Thanks for the quick fumbled grope”

“Just two fags between cigarette breaks!”

“Hooray! Your hymen’s broke!”

 

Regular contact with the long term sick

“Hope you’re feeling much better!”

Pity when he writes saying “Thanks for your thoughts”

It co-incides with his termination letter

 

What can you say when loved ones pass away?

“Thinking of you, my old mate”

Granted three weeks compassionate leave

When’s the bugger gonna pull his weight?

 

“Be my love, precious darling, from you know who”

St. Valentine hovers above you

True love delivered via Cupid’s straight bow?

“Lie down I think I love you”

 

It will make staff feel so good to be caring and kind

“Hope Dyna-Rod cleaned your pipes”!”

Sending cards to all colleagues and friends

Even the old git who forever gripes

 

So the human side of us all can appear

As we celebrate every day

We can all rally round and cuddle our friends

But be wary of him, he’s gay

 

Or useless or old, odd or just real bad news

Or your patience they constantly tax

Or a pain in the arse to sit next to or near

Coat your card finely with a little anthrax

 

And motivated staff the harder they will perform

Bickering and unpleasantness stops

Sadly the throughput will violently slide

They’re all browsing the greetings card shops.